Time is moving. It can’t be held back, pushed forward, obtained or lost. Whether or not you like it, time progresses without you. It took me a while to realize I can’t get back what I want. I can’t go to a place in time where I was happy, where I was comfortable, and more importantly where I was somewhere I wanted to be.
I’m a sucker for the past. Time and time again I look to it for answers. I’m always hopeful that maybe unanswered questions present themselves in a manner of enlightenment- like something I’ve missed during my first cursory glance. Anybody reading my past blog entries can make apparent that I have been dwelling over a love lost. It’s not entirely the easiest thing in the world getting over a relationship that claimed some of the most important parts of my transition. It had nothing to do with the person involved, but more importantly the time it happened with her. At any rate, my development as it were to me, felt hindered by the involvement of this particular relationship. Not once did I regret what I had gotten myself into, but I felt it could have been approached differently. I spent my time tending to others and their growth rather than focusing on whats important to me- myself. I became consumed with making sure everybody around me was happy and without hurdles.
I would remember countless nights where another friend would call me about problems with her life. I’d have no hesitation taking the call mainly because she was a friend of mine but also because she’s been there when I needed somebody. Phone calls would generally revolve around posts on social media that upset her, or a cryptic text message, or something that happened at work. We would spend hours discussing these problems. Looking back now, I’ve realized so much time has been invested on this friend solely on the fact she creates problems for herself. Most of these problems also involved her ex at the time. Although I did my best to console her over, I could no longer help people that refuse to help themselves. These were problems she absorbed and called her own.
Though it can’t be helped most of the time, I now find it almost useless to dwell on the past and the pain associated with it. I’ve been living too far in the past. Since the new year began I’ve met many people from past lives and upcoming, I’ve accomplished goals on a scale some would find insignificant, I’ve become engrossed with new hobbies and interests. In short it’s easiest to say I’m alive again, and it’s time to move on in life. We must allow our books to continue writing and move forward to keep the momentum going. Great things are on the way!
At least, that’s what I tell myself.
