In 2014 I briefly wrote for a videogame blog. I’ve since collected and reposted some of these entries on my current website.
Five Pokémon Who Desperately Need New Names
Pokémon is a game that allows players to (hold massive beasts captive) raise cute little Japanese creatures, use it to beat the living shit out of other pokemon and pump them with so many vitamins they’ll “evolve” into something hideous. There are currently 718 different species of pokemon roaming around the world- some blessed with really appropriate and suitable names. But even in the world of clever names given by Pokemon scientists some really shouldn’t have made the cut… Here are 5 pokemon names that need to be changed.
Official Name: BEEDRILL
Suggested Name: WASPEAR
Let’s begin by looking at the overall appearance of Beedrill: It is neither a bee, nor does it have drills on it’s arms. Beedrill’s body is actually slimmer than a bee and more resembles a wasp. Okay, so we’ll change “bee” to “wasp”. Now to complete our naming process, we’ll do what the Pokemon Company does and toss in a random word that relates to the species’ features. Let’s take a look at Beedrill’s arms- those arms look like spikes to me. Wasp Spike? What is a spike anyway? How about… a spear? Wasp Spear? Almost! To top it off in Pokemon style, the team usually combines two words so you can waste less of a breath on the name and save it for swearing at Whitney’s Miltank. God, I hated her Miltank.
100% accurate.
Congratulations! After combining the two new words, your Uncircumsilkworm has evolved into a Waspear!
Official Name: PSYDUCK
Suggested Name: GOLDUCK
For the longest time in the Pokemon series, Psyduck has been known as nature’s “D” student and a scapegoat for animated animal abuse. Aside from comedic humor, nobody has paid attention to the poor duck’s colour. Why does Psyduck’s colour resemble gold more than Golduck’s colour? I mean, once puberty hits Psyduck, it gains a jewel on the forehead, some mascara around the eyes and turns blue. BLUE! Golduck is far from being a gold duck, unless the actual naming convention combined “duck” with… “Gollum”.
Maybe Psyduck came across a jewel and became so obsessed over it that Golduck is actually an alter ego to Psyduck! It all makes sense now! His name is Robert Paulson! Bruce Willis was dead all along!
Official Name: MANECTRIC
Suggested Name: HOWLECTRIC
It pains me to see such an adorable pokemon evolve into something like Manectric- it’s like watching a dog morph into a rapper. Looking at its name, the “Man” portion of Manectric’s name doesn’t actually refer to its masculinity (like Geodude). You’re actually looking at the word “Mane” or “LOOK AT THAT LION’S SWEET AFRO!” This explains why Manectric’s hair resembles Vegeta’s mountain top cut from Dragon Ball-Z.
Does this mean I’ve been pronouncing Manectric’s name incorrectly this entire time? Is it not “Man-EH-trik”, but really “MAIN-kuh-trik”?! There’s only one way we can solve it… Rename it! The first thing I noticed about Manectric was that, considering the fact it should be based-off a lion, it’s long snout bears a stronger resemblance to a wolf!
So here’s my tangent: It’s probably a wolf. It’s probably an electric wolf. Wolves howl. Do they make electric howls? Yes they do. Boom, there we have it: Howlectric!
Official Name: LICKYLICKY
Suggested Name: REGALICKY
If you know me, you’ll know that Lickitung is without a doubt my all-time favourite Pokemon. I remember back in the day being so excited to hear that Lickitung would evolve in Diamond/Pearl. I then remembered the level of disappointment that coursed through my body when they released pictures. Then they released the evolved name and I… just… cried. Why would the Pokemon Team double the first two syllables of Lickitung? Sure, it works well as Pikachu’s catchphrase and Wobbuffet’s running gag but that’s about it! Can you imagine doubling the first two syllables of all your favourite Pokemon names? ButterButter? WooperWooper? ZigzagZigzag? KrokoKroko? JynxJynxJynxJynx? Oh dear. So how can we use a more suitable name for Lickylicky? Let’s start with the design.
Under Lickylicky’s tongue you can see what looks like a bib, because it’s obviously a fatass. But instead of seeing a bib I actually see a Dickey (no, not like Kadabra’s dickey). A dickey is a garment worn on top of a tuxedo to create a false opening- think tuxedos with white fronts. Think Empoleon. Dickey’s are usually synonymous with class or royalties.
Classy.
Now, the Pokemon Team usually try and keep a certain word to transfer over to the next evolution (CHARmander, CHARmeleon, CHARizard), so let’s transfer “Licki” over from Lickitung and combine it with the word “Royal”. Royalicki? Nah. Let’s change Royal to Regal (they pretty much have the same meaning). Regalicki still looks a bit strange, so for aesthetic purposes let’s change the final letter. As a result, we have Regalicky! Doesn’t that name just roll off your… tongue? Heh.
Official Name: COFAGRIGUS
Suggested Name: SARCOPHAGEIST
The pokemon that urged me to start this post… When the list of Pokemon names from Black and White emerged I immediately questioned Cofagrigus’ name. Not only is the Pokemon Company secretly promoting animal abuse and giving children seizures but they’re also making children say inappropriate words! There is absolutely no way anyone will look at this name and not say the most emphasized part.
Cofagrigus is simply a sarcophagus with a ghost/spirit occupying the vacancy. From my many experienced years of angrily renaming pokemon, I’ve never been more proud to come up with the name Sarcophageist. In the same instance, I’ve never been more upset to find out you can only give pokemon names within a 10-character limit. It really takes away from the creative psyche, you know? The character limit also explains why Feraligator is spelt “Feraligatr” in the game. Perhaps we can shrink the name to fit 10 characters?
I do give credit to the team, however- the Pokemon naming process is a creative one, but with every generation that releases it gets increasingly difficult to come up with clever and memorable names. This is why they sometimes take the easy way out and provide lazy names. Combining words, corrupting words and sometimes even keeping the original Japanese name are all different ways The Pokemon Company has kept it safe with their audience… At least they won’t be hiding any inappropriate words in Pokemon names anymore. Right, Muk?
It’s super effective!
