I’ve been fighting some inner demons for a while now. For anybody that’s been reading my “blog” and keeping abreast with my entries I’d like to first and foremost thank you for sharing your time and reading about my life. It should be of no significance towards your life and I do not expect sympathy or empathy from you, but thank you so much for reading these entries. Anyway, these demons have been of a nuisance in my life the past year (and a bit). It’s of no surprise I’m a man who loves to love. I have too much love to give and sometimes I don’t get it back. It’s okay to live that way until it takes a toll on you, and it was something that affected me when my long-term girlfriend and I separated last year.
Here’s the deal: I had strong feelings for her, which really frustrated my soul because these were incredibly ambivalent feelings. I both loved and hated her. When she left, my heart grew a fondness for the absence and suddenly hate became love. I was unable to control my feelings, my thoughts and my nightmares. I was on a painful road to recovery. Along the way I’ve met people. I’ve reconnected with old friends and tried to start relationships with the first sign of affection from anybody. It was a mistake I could have avoided if I wasn’t so desperate to be loved again (I felt very unloved). My brash decision-making undoubtedly hurt the women I’ve been involved with. It’s ironic- the more you want to heal directly relates to the more people you end up hurting, and I’m sorry to those along the way. You’ve done more for me than you’ll ever believe and I thank you (all) immensely for such.
The question repeats itself in my life: “Are you over her?”
After 5 lovely (albeit painful) years of a relationship, one that associates with many milestones during the most important times of both our lives, am I ready to move on? There are two ways to look at this. The first being in an emotion state, I ask myself “If the opportunity is presented, do I want to get back into a relationship with her?” The second path asks “Do I still think of her?” Both valid questions to consider when moving on. It’s been slightly over a year since my ex had left to Japan to live her dream and almost every moment she isn’t here she has somehow creeped into my thoughts. It’s completely unavoidable that certain phrases, objects, or events remind me of her (hell, I’m still using her drumkit for RHD shows!) But these are only thoughts. I’d say a few months ago these thoughts would have placed more of an emotional hold on me, but now they’re acknowledgements of a past life; a reminder that I need to keep moving forward and continue to learn. I wouldn’t necessarily say much of the past was driven by mistakes, but there were definitely few along the way. These thoughts made me miss her from time to time, but it was more the adventure than the emotion. I miss her as a friend, as it’s what we’ve grown to become. I felt we grew apart as a couple and became two souls that enjoyed each other’s presence. I miss the companionship more than anything.
As for a feeling of belonging and value in a relationship, I think the feeling has passed on. At a time I wanted her to return into my arms as if none of this ever happened. I wanted things to continue as if she never left. But when I was able to step back and reassess our past it was easily to see it might not be the best solution. The reality of the situation was that we were perfect poisons for each other. We brought out the worst in us and it persisted even after our separation. I remembered a moment when I visited in Japan: We had already demoted our emotions to becoming friends, and all it took was one conversation for us to return into the bickering couple we once were. Perhaps it was a case of familiarity and history echoed itself. Maybe we still haven’t had enough time to grow. Or maybe we were in a hostile mood- who knows. To answer the aforementioned question: No, I do not want to return into a relationship with her. I’ve had my taste of a life with her and it was bittersweet. I’m fairly certain our adventure as a couple is over, and it’s time to move on.
(As adamant as I am with the previous sentence, this next one takes it all back.)
The worst thing about the future, however, is that it is 100% unpredictable. I’m a firm believer that everything has been predetermined for us and that destiny has already written its path for us, but won’t tell us what will happen next. It’s possible that a few years down the line we could ultimately settle our differences and get back together. In the same instance it’s just as reasonable to say we won’t even cross paths, ever. To me, every day is a red herring, a fabricated distraction that leads you unwittingly towards the end of your story.
What I’m most certain about now is that I’ve met somebody and I think this might work out (for once). Everybody has to move on at some point, and I feel I’ve reached that point. I’m scared I might have re-entered the same cycle, but at least now I’m happy to be in it. I’m confident, and that’s the only sign I need.
She might be good for me after all. Or maybe this just another red herring.
