It is unreasonably uncanny what I do to myself when I’m deep in thought. 9 months ago she left and to this day it still burns to know I can’t align the contours of my arms around her body. We were perfectly sculpted for each other. Reoccurring dreams, not of an event but of a timeline, haunt me on unprecedented nights. In them we are living a near future where things return to normal and she is in my arms again.
I am unable to love, I never truly have before you. I am unable to romanticize or articulate my feelings the way I used to. With her departure a piece of my sanity fled behind her. I tried to forget her. I continued to live as I did and fell, over and over again. Always falling. Companionship and relationship intertwined. The lines blurred in my soul and threw me into purgatory where I was unable to be somebody. I ran from any sign of a relationship blossoming between me and anybody else. I’m not ready and I’m still not ready. It’s hard to embellish an impending relationship when you aren’t able to be yourself. Being yourself is the most important part of being with somebody else. And if I still can’t do that, why are my words and actions pushing onwards?
Nothing has been the same since she left. People come and go, days start and finish, but unfortunately thoughts remain the same. I’m afraid to close my eyes tonight at the thought of seeing her in my dreams. It hurts to wake up and realize I’ve escaped a moment of happiness. It hurts to know these dreams, these premonitions, may actually lead to nothing and that they are hopeless fantasies of being reunited. It’s hard to say what might come of these next few years. It’s possible her and I may get back together. It’s possible she might have finally found somebody that makes her happy. It’s possible I’ll never see the light of day. It’s possible I’m still in love with her.
Come back, I am broken. I miss you.
