I’ve been writing (and rewriting) this story since June. It seems I can never truly encapsulate the appropriate presentation I want to display. Earlier this year I found myself aboard a very winding and unstable roller coaster ride. I’ve never experienced so many emotions within a short timespan and very few knew what was going on with me. I’ve broken down in tears from suffering through hell and back. I’ve both seen and kissed heaven, living to tell the tale. I’ve let my confused heart guide me and have fallen in and out of love so instantaneously, so ferociously that I had forgotten my feelings were shared… between two women.
In this narrative, I want to (finally) tell you about my two worlds;
How they both began, and how they both ended.
I
We had met at an earlier time when you and I didn’t think much about each other. You were there and I was there. We were both there for the same reasons: One was to perform on stage, and the other to show our love for a mutual friend on his birthday. We had spoken to each other briefly. I remembered when your eyes lit up that night and it raised both ends of my mouth. It was a smile I couldn’t control as we learned a bit about each other. There was a spark, but not one I had noticed at first. I invited you over for an event but you couldn’t make it. You had to pack for a trip you were going on. Then you disappeared for a few months and I had almost forgotten about you. It was winter and I had trouble sleeping. I was depressed from the season and I was having dreams of my ex. Dreams that would wake me up. Dreams that would hurt me, haunt me. These weren’t nightmares- they were dreams with side effects.
A few months crawled by and I was still unstable, I was convinced I had moved on and was ready to allow somebody into my life again. I saw your post online. You mentioned you were going downtown to sing, so I decided to drop by and support you. You did an excellent job and reminded me that even in the dingiest places there’s a speck of gold glimmering somewhere. That was you. You were golden. I left for another friend’s birthday and suggested to meet up with you again if you were still downtown after the fact. We met at the bookstore down the street later that night. We walked around in a quiet environment as we shared the chance to learn about each other. You would ask a question, then I would ask a question, then you would ask a question, then I would ask a question. I learned a lot about you and we haven’t even left the store yet. We went to a cafe. It was cold outside, so I bought myself a hot apple cider. We sat on the couch at the back and continued exploring each other’s minds. You noticed the tattoo on my arm and asked about it. Everything froze. My pounding heart thawed reality. I was afraid but decided to tell you about my ex, and the meaning behind that tattoo. I was scared to tell you, but at the same time I wanted you to know. My mouth was spilling out and I saw the unchanging face. You were listening. You were… understanding.
The night continued and we made the impulsive decision to karaoke. It was a late night, but we did it anyway. I sang next to you, with you, in front of you. What’s important is that I sang to somebody I knew who’s eons passed my abilities. I was nervous but you were welcoming. You drove me home and, on the way, showed me songs you had been working on. I listened. I took it all in. I fell for you. The music you showed me that night was something else. I saw the passion you had in your work, and the work you put towards your passion. It was euphoric and I was on the ninth cloud. We parted ways and exchanged more information on the passing. It was our first date. I slept like a baby that night. No dreams, no nightmares. Only sleep.
We continued messaging each other and shared many hours over the phone. I always hated talking on the phone, but without a problem made several exceptions for you. I enjoyed talking to you. We went out a few times, ate many meals together and shared with each other a lot of new music. It was excellent and everything was looking up for my romantic life. I even wrote about it. A few weeks passed by since our first date and a friend of mine was in town for a few days. She held a dinner party. It would be her final gathering in Toronto before heading back to Vancouver. I went to say hi, handed over a few gifts and enjoyed the food- the entire time messaging you on my phone. I was one of the first few to arrive at the dinner. About three other people were there; one I recognized from last year’s gathering, one I had met a few days earlier, and the third person I didn’t know. That’s when I met her…
II
I had always glanced over at her. She noticed my tattoo and started reading it. I found out she was Japanese so naturally I told her about my interests regarding the country. I told her how I was there earlier in the year travelling around, and she was excited to hear that I didn’t stop by (typical) places most tourists go. I told her about the amount of times I’ve visited. I told her about the things I liked and disliked about Japan and she countered with things she liked and disliked about Canada. I learned that she was staying in Canada for a school year, finishing her semester in another month or so before leaving. She went to school in Peterborough and I made a joke about how far it was from Toronto. She laughed. She had to leave earlier with her friend (who I assumed was her boyfriend). Before she left we exchanged information. We added each other on social media and other messaging apps. She disappeared with her friend and I continued the night messaging you. I added her “boyfriend” on Facebook. I had already met him last year. In my mentality: if you’ve met the same person on two separate occasions, it’s worth adding them. I went home late, drunk and tired but still messaging you.
She messaged me the next morning. Her messages were filled with kisses and hearts. I thought nothing of it. I thought she was being friendly. I went to your place and we continued sharing music, talking about emotions and spending time together. There was a moment one night when we browsed your Facebook. I noticed the “boyfriend” I added was also your friend. I asked you about him and you told me he was a ‘player’. I laughed but at the same time felt uncomfortable. I always had weird vibes when I interacted with him and after you mentioned his personality everything made sense. I remember the night you and I kissed. We were listening to Halsey. I had told you the history between my ex and I, and how it affected my current decisions. You saw a vulnerable man in me. You sat on my lap. You hugged me. You kissed my forehead. ‘Young God’ plays. You kissed my nose. Your lips were soft and you were very delicate with your motions. It was seductive and I was going crazy. Our lips touched. My worries went away and I wasn’t tense anymore. We kept kissing over the next few songs (it looped back to the first track). I slipped my tongue in and you reciprocated. We became one being as you showed me it was okay to expose my emotions. I went home. It was a fun coincidence she would message me as I’d leave your place every night. She never had a data plan in Canada, so she would use her phone when she got home or was at a Wi-Fi spot. I guess whenever I’d leave your place at night is when she’d get home from whatever she was doing. Days go by and things started to get tense between us. We wanted to figure out our feelings for each other and you wanted me to figure out my feelings for my ex. You were convinced I was not over her. There was no way for me to prove to you otherwise. I was sensing hostility. I knew you were trying to help, but maybe I didn’t want help. I wanted to hold your hand. I wanted whatever burden was happening to go away. I wanted you to understand what was going on in my heart, my mind and my spirit. I wanted it to go away without making it go away.
I started replying to her messages. Our messages became more and more flirtatious. I had set up a meet for us. More than wanting to meet her, I wanted to pick her brain and hope for a crash course in the Japanese language. We met, and from the start things went in another direction. Ribfest was happening downtown. We walked into the crowd at Dundas Square and started separating from each other. We reached out for each others arms, hoping not to get lost in the crowd. The reach held our hands together and I was okay with that. There was a shiver on down my spine, and goosebumps on my arms. We ate a late lunch and I showed her Ryerson University afterwards. She wrapped herself around my arm and I was okay with that. We sat at Nathan Phillips Square and got to know each other. We sat between the “O” and the “R” and watched people. We took selfies and passed the time together. She was waiting for a friend to respond because they were going to meet to see a soccer game. Her friend was going to be late because she had forgotten their tickets at home. I waited with her at the mall. We talked some more. And more. I told her we shouldn’t get involved. I told her we shouldn’t date. I knew she had to leave the country soon so I made it clear to her. Eventually I had to leave. We walked towards the subway station entrance, still inside the mall. We stood there talking. She was blushing and avoided eye contact with me. Her eyes were so beautiful and her smile made me appreciate cheekbones. She would look at me for a quick moment before looking away smiling and blushing. Every time she looked up at me I smiled. I couldn’t help but smile. She was incredibly cute. It was then I understood why their culture is heavily-driven by cuteness. We leaned in and our lips barely made contact. We stopped ourselves. I felt her exhale on my lip. It was a moment you’d only see in television dramas. She backed away and told me she was shy. She was still blushing and avoided eye contact. We leaned in again. We kissed and the mall became silent. All I could hear was her exhale. I let the moment soak in on my ride home. I was shocked. I had zero control and went for what I wanted. It was our first date.
You and I recorded a song together on a whim. We watched ‘Captain America: Civil War’ together in theatres. You were asleep for some of the movie. We had late night discussions about our feelings versus our words. We got high together (but not before you got high on your own first). We had a picnic above the beaches, we talked about very deep topics, shopped together and even gotten intimate with each other. At the back of my head I still thought “You don’t think I’m over my ex” and I hated that. One night I told you my ex would be back in town for a few weeks and you were uneasy about the news. You didn’t understand how close I was, not only to her, but to her entire family as well. It was inevitable I’d have to see my ex at one point during her short return. I hated that you weren’t convinced, and it felt like every interaction with you had to be validated with proper emotion and rationale. Between us, it eventually came to the conclusion that I had to figure things out before progressing further with you. Everything had to be calculated because you were afraid. You wanted reassurance that things would be okay. The fire was dying. The fun was gone. We tried to assess where we stood together. We weren’t boyfriends and girlfriends, and we weren’t really acquainted either. And to get to where we wanted to be we had to be friends first. It got complicated. You proposed the idea for us not to speak to each other until after my ex left Canada again. This would have been about 2 months of cutting you off. I contested, telling you it was a bad idea. Not long after, I thought about it. I subconsciously did it without realizing it. My connection with you started weakening and my connection with her was getting stronger.
You asked me to be your date for your friend’s wedding. I accepted. I thought this might make things feel right again with you. Over messaging, her and I had been planning to meet again for a while. She was finishing school and was really busy. Upon finishing her classes, she had plans to visit the states. I had a small timeframe to work with. I made the decision to drive to her for our next meet. I arrived at your place to pick you up for the wedding. I waited in my car. I messaged her. I messaged you. I messaged her. I messaged you. You stepped out the door and were the most beautiful person I had ever seen. We went to the wedding, discussing how to introduce myself to your friends. Some people thought I was your boyfriend, and I sort of was, so I went with it. The night went really well. We took many photos and ate lots of food. We danced, cheered and laughed together. We were a couple that night. Things were feeling right again, back to where we wanted it to be. At the back of my head I was still thinking of your proposal. I drove you home and we talked outside your house. We returned to the same problem about how we weren’t who we want to be, and how we couldn’t be who we wanted to be. We had to figure a lot of things out. We were drifting further away from becoming the couple we wanted to be. I pulled the trigger. I told you it might not work out between us. I told you that I was thinking about her proposal, to cut off contact until after my ex returned. You were angry but understanding. You were confused and I was too. I still don’t know who we were that night. The night ended in a silent drive home, until she would message me.
III
I lied to you. I didn’t go to see my family friends. I drove to Peterborough to meet her. She stepped out the door and was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. She showed me her university, which was closed for the summer, so we couldn’t enter the building. I got a tour of her campus. She wasn’t wearing contact lenses that day because she remembered my compliment about her natural eyes. Even while writing this, I still think they’re beautiful. I taught her how to drive a North American vehicle. She parked, reversed, signalled and drove very well. I remember she would panic in Japanese and take directions in English. We went downtown and walked around. We stopped at a chocolate shoppe and ordered ice cream. We sat in the car and ate them. I made a mess while she panicked in Japanese. And then she made a mess. We drove to the nearest mall. It was closed but we still walked around. The grocery store was open and we felt like a couple walking around. She was wrapped around my arm again and I was happy. I would message you every once in a while to let you know I was alive. She took me to a park and we walked along train tracks. I took the opportunity to ask her about herself. I learned a lot about her. She took me to a restaurant and we had chicken wings. My wings were a bit cold but I didn’t mind. She taught me a lot about the language during that dinner. We walked around the area and entered the theatre. Nothing I really wanted to see so she convinced me to watch a horror movie. I resisted at first but ended up buying tickets to my first horror movie on the big screen. We snuck into another cinema and watched a movie. We caught half the movie while the other half was spent kissing each other. The free movie finished and we waited in the lobby. I messaged you and told you I was at the theatre. We watched ‘The Conjuring 2’. It was a great movie, at least the parts we watched. I drove her home. Convinced it was the last time I’d see her, I wanted to talk to her more before she left Canada permanently. We sat in the car and talked. Her street was scary at night, especially after a horror movie. We kissed. We kissed some more. Our tongues started dancing and our breaths were getting heavier. Our hands started roaming. We both wanted something so we drove to a nearby park. I turned off the car and we were in darkness. We had sex in the backseat of my car. It was incredible, the things she whispered and the noises she made. It was so different from any past experience I’ve had. I dropped her off with a proper goodbye, convinced I would never see her again.
IV
It was quiet between you and I. We hung out, but it was to try and build our friendship. We had dinners, but the food wasn’t as delectable. By this point we were no longer the couple we wanted to be and instead were focused on building a stronger foundation for us. There were moments where confusion would kick us. We would hold hands but then quickly let go. We would lean in for a kiss, and remember not to. It was difficult. She messaged me. I kept thinking of the night I had with her. It replayed over and over in my head. A switch flipped in my head and suddenly I realized I had completely fallen for her. I went against my own word. She left to the US for a week. Things were getting busy with the band. I was feeling less of a priority to meet with you and when I did I wasn’t enjoying it as much as I wanted to. I was distracted. We were acquaintances now.
She returned from the US and I made the stupid impulsive decision to drive her home. It would give me a bit more time with her and it would give me an opportunity to tell her my thoughts. I told her I liked her and had feelings for her. I told her I went against my word and fell for her. I told her everything I wanted to. She told me she also liked me. She told me she also had feelings for me. It was a moment of mutual feelings. The drive was long and the music kept switching between my iPod and her iPhone. I introduced her to new songs and she did the same. She showed me ‘Perfume’ and it was life-changing. The words “long-distance relationship” slipped out and it got awkward in the car. She wanted to be my girlfriend but didn’t want to do long-distance. If we had met earlier, or if she were staying in Canada longer then things would have been different. I was hurt. I shouldn’t have been hurt. I knew I didn’t want to be involved with another long-distance relationship but deep down inside I wanted to be with her. We made plans for one more meet before she left forever. I dropped her off and drove home. I messaged you if you wanted to hang out but you were busy. I messaged another friend. And another. I wanted to talk to someone. I drove home alone.
You were busy writing with your producer and teaching students. I admired how you were occupied doing what you love doing. It demonstrated to me your deep level of passion. I loved that. You were busy and I was reviewing my past interactions with her. You and I barely spoke to each other, and I noticed her messages were starting to thin out as well. Her and I met up and went to Canada’s Wonderland. I brought my GoPro for her to play with. She always wanted to play with a GoPro ever since she watched my ‘Wanderer’ video. I had forgotten to bring it to our last date. I took her to Wonderland because she told me she had never been there before. She had a great time. We went on many rides, stood in many lines, and talked for many hours. We were a couple, doing things couples do. I wanted to make our last date special and had planned to take her to Ottawa after Wonderland. She didn’t want me driving so much. Instead, we compromised on a location and I took her to Niagara Falls. She had never seen the area at night so it was still a new experience for her. Before heading on the road I took her to York University. I wanted to show her as much as I could before she left.
The drive to the Falls was slow and mentally taxing. There was traffic and lots of it. We were talking and enjoying each other’s company. I don’t remember who or how, but it was brought it up that tonight would be our last night together. It got quiet in the car. She asked me if everything was alright. I broke my silence. I told her I’ve been thinking of everything that’s happened since we first met at the dinner. I told her I didn’t want to like her but ended up liking her. I told her she was a great person and I wanted to spend more time with her. I told her anything to break the silence in the car. Then I mentioned it was “love at first sight”. It was silent in the car again. Traffic was moving very slowly and the music volume was turned down. I heard her sniffling in the passenger seat. I looked over to see she was crying. And then I started tearing up. We were both crying in traffic.
V
When we arrived at the Falls we had a late dinner. We walked around Clifton Hill and enjoyed the lights. There was a wax statue of Heath Ledger’s Joker in a display window and it frightened her. She screamed and yelled some obscenities in Japanese. It was still cute. We walked along the Falls and had a very emotional talk. It was late and everything was closing. The streets were getting quiet and it was our cue to leave. I was falling asleep on the drive home and she put in all her effort to keep me awake. She stayed awake to keep me awake. The sun was rising as I was nearing her place. When I dropped her off I said my final goodbyes. I hugged her extra tight and kissed her extra carefully. I wiped her tears and she left the car. Then she entered the house. I sat in the car. I broke down, uncontrollably crying. All my the tears held back since splitting with my ex a year ago all came out. It had been the hardest I’ve cried for years. I messaged her to come back out and she did. I approached her and she looked worried. I gave her the biggest hug. She asked me if everything was alright. I told her I didn’t want her to leave without me telling her I loved her. I told her I loved her. “I love you”. For the first time in a long while it didn’t feel strange to say it. She teared up and smiled. She hugged me. I drove home listening to sappy music until I was losing focus on the road. By then it had been about 3 or 4 in the morning. The sun was up and I had been awake and driving for most of the day. Physically, I was done. I switched to heavier music and was still falling asleep on the road. It was a dangerous drive for me, I’ve never been honked at so many times on the road before. I’ve never swerved into other lanes until then. It was a very, very dangerous drive for me.
You messaged me asking to hang out and catch up and I declined. I told you it wasn’t the best time at the moment. By that point I realized I had completely neglected you. I surprised her at the airport. We spent some time at the gates before she had to leave. She cried and I consoled. Time was up and finally, after one last kiss, she disappeared behind the gates. A few days later after sorting all my feelings out, I decided it was time I came clean. I met you in the parking lot of a banquet hall. You were in a dress and it was raining outside. I told you as much as you would allow me. There was a lot of information left out at the time and you didn’t want to hear any more. I broke your heart. We sat in silence for a bit while it was still raining out. The rain seemed louder this time. We made a promise to be there for each other, and with our pinky fingers tied together I’ve officially lost you. In its own sense, it was over between us. I told you one day I’ll tell you everything that happened, because I feel I owe it to you. I don’t know if that made me a better man or an asshole but I just wanted to let you know. I’ve lost you.
I spent the following month heartbroken. I’ve made a mistake chasing the unobtainable- something out of my control with somebody outside of the country. Through the consulting of a close friend (and one whose helped me through rough times), I decided to cut contact with her for a month so I could get over her, so I could continue my life from where I left off before meeting her. I couldn’t get her out of my mind and it drove me into insanity knowing I couldn’t message her. I’ve written about those moments. I wrote many things on this website about you and her; about my thoughts, about what happened. About everything. In my time avoiding her, you and I started talking again. Things were fixing itself and I was comfortable around you again. But whenever she would show up on my newsfeed anywhere, my heart would hurt. She updated me on her life back home in Japan and I kept my responses very minimal. I was neglecting her as she was returning to her normal life reconnecting with friends and family. I played a show and invited you to it. The entire night was full of coincidences that led you to believe I was avoiding you. I hugged you at the end of the night as appreciation for coming to the show. I felt you kissed my shoulder. I didn’t say anything and pretended I didn’t notice. I made a promise to involve you more with my band and the things we did. Because of that we’ve been hanging out a lot- but the feelings aren’t there anymore. We’re at the level we wanted to be. We’re friends. Close friends. We’re friends with a complicated history. The month-long avoidance was up and I started messaging her again. Her messages were short and distant. It was clear that the absence in communication had damaged our ties. I explained to her why I avoided messaging her for a month. She understood. She apologized. She told me she had returned to her life again in Japan. She told me she wasn’t focusing on anything involving Canada right now, as it wasn’t a priority anymore. Weeks go by and our messages were sent in further intervals. Things are very different now between her and I. It’s silent now. I’ve lost her as well. I’ve lost the you both.
To this day I still believe in what you say. “Timing is everything”, and I take those words to heart now. It’s never been more clear to me now as it was when you first told me. It was the timing of everything that ran the course of this story. I met you when our schedules were aligned. You filled me with confidence and she came in when I was gleaming with it. She messaged me when I wasn’t with you and she was busy when I was with you. When things got rough between you and I, she was on the other end. Timing even had to do with the duration of events. I met her towards the end of her stay in Canada. Time was running out and I wanted to spend more of it with her before her departure. Time was precious with you, but we were exhausting our time trying to make things work. I had strong feelings for you both but I was a fool to toy with the idea of exploring my possibilities. I was never with her and at the same time I was never with you. I think I gravitated towards the person I knew would be leaving soon because it felt familiar. It reminded me of the weeks before my ex left the previous year.
She was never better than you, or worse in any way. She was different.
My two worlds;
How they both began, and how they both ended.
Timing really is everything.
